
A Vagabond Couple. 




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A VAGABOND COUPLE 



A Vaudeville Sketch in One Act 



By JAMES SWEIMLER 



Copyright, 1912, by Dick & Fitzgerald 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



t,3^ 



A VAGABOND COUPLE 



CHARACTERS 

Horatio Tomlingson A had Actor 

Casper Bumbleberger A hungry Tramp 

Time of Playing. — Twenty minutes. 



COSTUMES 

Horatio. — Black suit with well worn trousers short 
enough to show his white socks. Very high collar and 
dilapidated necktie. Tall hat. Hair long if possible. 

Casper. — Brown coat and trousers, light vest, all very 
hard worn. A small derby hat that just sits on the top 
of his head. 



PROPERTIES 

A table and chair; newspaper; a chart or map; a num- 
ber of tin cans; two knives. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS 

In observing, the actor faces the audience, r. means 
right; l. left; c. center; r. c, right of center; l. c. left of 
center. ' . 

Note. — The songs indicated in the text of this sketch 
are not essential. Any other songs may be used, and any 
specialities can be introduced at the convenience of the 
actors. 

TMPS6-006822 



(f^iP.in .'Ui4 0P> 



A VAGABOND COUPLE 



Scene.— A plain interior. Doors r. and l. A table and 
chair ath. A newspaper on table. Singing is heard 
off L. entrance. 

"Beer, beer, glorious beer! 
Fill yourselves right up to here! 
Drink a good deal of it. 
Make a good meal of it, 
Glorious old lager beer! " * 

ENTER Casper and Horatio, l. Casper, rubbing 

'' clrth! Dot vas goot. Dot vas der first glass beer 
dot I had for fifteen minutes. 

HoR Yes, but that won't satisfy our hunger. 

Cas. Yah, dot vas so. But it vas make me feel so 

'^^ HoR We must have something more substantial than 

'^S;:r° W^MorUTSfn W eat? Dinner vas pretty 

%"B"(Cfc«%T Well do I know that. But we shall 

eat no dinner this day. , 

Cas. What! We vas not going to eat some dinner! 

°HoR.^ We have no money, and the landlord will not 
trust us. 

(* Music published by T. B. Harms & Francis, 62 West 
45th Street, New York. Price, 60 cents.) 



4 A Vagabond Couple 

Cas. I dink so neider. (Aside) He don't got no money! 
Dot's funny. I shust give him five cents three weeks 
ago. (Aloud) Where vas dot five cents I give you three 
weeks ago? 

HoR. Gone ! 

Cas. Gone! Unci vere vas it gone to? 

HoR. With it I bought a book entitled "The Actor's 
Guide to Fame." 

Cas. Vas dat good to eat? 

HoR. No, but it will show us how to become famous. 

Cas. Is dot so? But we can't eat dot famous. 

HoR. Oh, you don't understand. Once famous — 
then rich, and plenty to eat. 

Cas. (down r.). Oh, dear! Noddings to eat to-day. 
Und I vas so hungry I could eat a v/hole sausage factory 
by mine self. Shust think of me sitting mine self down 
by a table what vas filled mit goot things — sauerkraut 
und speck, mit a big glass of beer by mine side. 

HoR. Stop! Don't mention those things; they make 
my lips tremble, and my stomach quiver. 

Cas. Well, don't I got a right to imagination I vas 
eating some dinner! 

HoR. No, you must not think of dinner if you wish to 
become an actor. 

Cas. Den I t'inks I don't want to be no actor. 

(Goes up c.) 

HoR. What! Would you turn back now, when we 
are so near to fame and fortune? 

Cas. Dot vas alright; but I don't t'ink we vas near 
anydings to eat. 

HoR, But we soon shall be. We can't be far from a 
city where we can get an engagement and become famous. 

Cas. What for place vas dis where we vas now? 

HoR. I do not know, but our map will tell. (Takes 
out lo.rge roll of paper, and opens it) 

Cas. (going to Horatio). Yah, clot vas so. (Both 
look over the map) 

HoR. Here we are. This is the road we came down. 

Cas. (pointing). Here vas der house vere we got a 
drink of water und der tog got mashed on my pants. 



A Vagabond Couple 6 

IIoR. {pointing). And here is where we are now. 

Cas. What vas you call it? 

HoR. Moonsville. 

Cas. What? 

HoR. Moonsville. 

Cas. {looking around). Moonsville? Where vas der 
moon? I don't can see any. 

HoR. No, you can't see the moon by day, you must 
wait until night. 

Cas. Oh, I see. We must wait here till to-nighd when 
der moon vas come oud. Then we vas in Moonsville. 
Dot vas a long time off, und I vas pretty tired. I dinks I 
will sit mine self do\vn here und rest. {Goes to sit upon 
chair as Horatio pulls it away and sits on it) 

HoR. At last do I find a chair where I can rest my 
weary bones. 

Cas. {o7i the floor). What vas you trying to do mit 
me? Do you want to break my stomach in two? Don't 
you know it vas weak? {Getting up) I don't t'ink I vill 
sit mine self down. I vas not tired. I feel shust like a 
new man {Walks around stage, then sits down upon floor, r.) 
Oh, dear! {He yawns lies down and sleeps) 

HoR. This is the first time that we have rested after 
walking thirty miles, trying everywhere to secure a theat- 
rical engagement, but without success. When we asked 
for something to eat, the people drove us away with shot 
guns. {In a pleading attitude) Oh Caesar! How long must 
we travel on this way? Must we starve on the road? 
(Casper sjiores loudly) And never grow famous? (Casper 
snores still louder) Yes, we will! We must not abandon 
hope. Booth and {Name some local actor) and all the 
other stars of our profession were compelled to suffer 
hardship before they achieved success. We, too, will con- 
tinue on, and we shall be famous in the end. Yes, on 
we go. On! On! On! {Falls into chair, his hand rests on the 
newspaper which is on the table) What is this? {Picks up 
newspaper) The Moonsville "Bladder." Ah! and what 
is this I see? {Reads) "Wanted, people to fill the cast of 
the Fly by Night Dramatic Company. Can this be true? 
{Rises and goes through comic business of examining the 



6 A Vagabond Couple 

newspaper more closely) Wanted — people — to fill — the — • 
cast — of the Fly by Night Dramatic Company! It is 
true! We shall secure an engagement at last! We shall 
become famous ! Our names will be on everyone's lips ! And 
when we walk down the street we shall see on the posters, 
in large letters, these names — Horatio Tomlingson and 
Casper Bumbleberger, the world's greatest actors! That 
will be us — Casper and I. (Goes over to Caspek) Casper! 
He sleeps. (Shakes him) Wake up, here. 

Cas. (asleep). Yah! Give me some of dot nice pork 
und beans. 

HoR. (shaking him). Wake up, here. 

Cas. (sitting up lazily and yawning). What vas it? 

HoR. Good news! Good news! 

Cas. Goot news? I don't want any goot news. It 
vas no goot to eat. For why don't you leave me asleep? 
I vas shust dreaming what I vas at a nice banquet. Mine 
plate vas shust packed mit goot t'ings. Und I vas shust 
going to eat when you woked me up, 

HoR. We shall soon have these things in reality, and 
more besides. We have a chance to get an engagement. 
We shall be rich and famous. 

Cas. (rising). Is dot so? 

HoR. (grasping Casper and pulling him over to the 
table). Yes, here it is. Listen. (Reads) "Wanted, peo- 
ple to fill the cast of the Fly by Night Dramatic Com- 
pany." 

Cas. (r.). Ach! They want us in a menagerie — you 
for the ape, und me for the monkey. Dot vill be nice. 
{Imitates a monkey) 

HoR. No, you don't understand. They want actors — 
play-actors — like you and me. 

Cas. Oh, we vas going to be actors! Und I have such 
a nice voice. I guess I will sing und get me acquainted 
mit der business. (Comes down front and sings. Air: 
"Reuben and Cjoithia."* The words "Yah, I did" only 
spoken.) 

(* Music published by T. B. Harms & Francis, 6 West 
45th Street, New York. Price, 40 cents.) 



A Vagabond Couple 7 

I met a girl the other night, 

Yah, I did. Yah, I did. 

Dot girl's name vas . 

Und I love her when I seen her, 

Yah, I did. Yah, I did 
She took me to a ball one night, 
Und I fell on the floor when I tried to dance, 

Yah, I did. Yah, I did, 
I fell so hard, I broke my suspenders, 
Und when I got up I lost my 

(Dances around stage and is about to start on another 
verse when Horatio stops him) 

HoR. Here, we don't want any more of that. 

Cas. You don't vas want any more of dot? 

HoR. No, we will sing the one that was written for us. 

Cas. Yah, we will sing the one that vas written ex- 
pressly for me. 

HoR. No, not for you, but for both of us. I am the 
author of it. 

Cas. Oh, yes; he ordered it for me. (Both begin to 
sing; Horatio high, Casper low, the chorus of "Sweet 
Rosie O'Grady.")* 

Hoji. That won't do; you don't sing high enough. 

Cas. I vas not high enough? (Gets newspaper and 
stands on it) Now, let her go — Gallagher. (They sing as 
before) 

"Sweet Rosie O' " 

HoR. Sing as high as I do. 

Cas. I can't do dot. I vas not so big as you vas. 
(Places chair upon newspaper and stands on it) Now I vas 
as high as you. (They sing.) 

" Sweet Rosie O'Grady." 

Cas. (falls from chair, then gets up). I dinks I vill sing 
low. (They sing) 

(* Music: "Sweet Rosie O'Grady," pubhshed by Jas. 
W. Stern & Co., 162 West 35th Street, New York. Price, 
50 cents.) 



8 A Vagabond Couple 

"Sweet Rosie O'Grady, 
My dear little Rose, 
She's my steady lady, 
Most every one knows — " 

{A shower of tin cans comes down upon the stage) 

Cas. See how de people like dot ! They throw bouquets 
at us. 

HoR. That means that they don't want any more. 
They'll kill us if we sing again. 

Cas. (r.). I guess I don't sing some more. 

HoR. (l.). V/e must take a stronger part. I will be 
the hero, and you the villain. 

Cas. Dot's all right ; vat must I do ! 

HoR. You call me a coward and liar, and then I'll 
settle accounts with you. Are you ready? 

Cas. Yah. Let her go — Gallagher. 

HoR. {advancing tragically). At last, villain, do I meet 
with you, face to face? 

Cas. Yah. You vas ein cow herd und a liar. 

HoR. How dare you insult me thus? Is it not enough 
that you have dragged me do^vn, broken up my happy 
home, stolen my child, estranged my wife — ? 

Cas. Dot vas all righd. I lofe your wife. 

HoR. What! You villain! Dare mention my wife! 
We are now alone, and I shall have my revenge. (Grasps 
Casper by the throat, and shakes him) I'll kill you! . {Gets 
kijn on his knees) No, I won't. I will not kill a defenceless 
man. {Releases him) Wait here until I return. [EXIT, r. 

Cas. (business of getting up and rubbing his neck). I 
wonder if dot feller vas crazy. Yah, dot's vot was der 
matter. He got crazy over his famousness. 

ENTER Horatio, r., vnth two knives. 

HoR. Now villain, I will give you a chance to defend 
yourself. There! {Throws one knife at Casfbr's feet) 

Cas. {picking up knife slowly). 1 guess I vill have to 
do it, or get mine self killed. Veil, here goes. Goot-bye 
Casper. {Shakes hands with himself. Duel business. 



A Vagabond Couple 9 

Horatio finally makes a dash for Casper, who runs around 
the stage) I guess I don't dinks I vill. (They chase each 
other around the stage) 

HoR. Villain! 

Cas. Liar! (He finally hides behind chair) 

HoR. (looking around). He has fled. Coward! 

Cas. (s7ieaking behind Horatio, stabs hi7n in the back). 
Is dot so? 

HoR. (falling). You have killed me! 

Cas. Dot's vat I wanted to do. Dot's all righd. 

HoR. (raising his head). Tell my wife and family 
that I died happy. (Head down) 

Cas. He vas dead. (Raises Horatio's hand) Und 
der world vas rid of a famousness lunatic. Well, I must 
get him oud of this. He vas no good here. (Takes hold 
of Horatio's legs, and drags him across stage) 

HoR. {raising his head). Stop, you will tear my pants! 

Cas. (dropping Hon atio's feet). Vas you not dead? 

HoR. (rising). No! That was only in the play. 

Cas. Is dot so! 

HoR. Yes; but the next time you fight, don't be a 
coward — be brave, like me. 

Voice, (heard off l., at which both appear frightened). 
Here, you fellows, when are you going to pay for that 
beer? If it isn't paid for within two minutes. I'll wipe 
up the place with you both. 

Cas. Vat vos clot? 

HoR. He wants you to pay for the beer. 

Cas. ■ Dot vas your treat. 

HoR. No, it was your treat. I won't pay for it. 

Cas. Neider vill I pay noddings. But I go in dot 
place und clean out der whole peeziness. (Goes l. 

HoR. (grabbing him). No, let me go; I'm the biggest. 

Cas. No; I want to go. 

HoR. But you shall not. I will go. [EXIT, l. 

(A great noise is heard off l. Casper watches the door 
until Horatio comes falling out, in an awful condition — coat 
and collar half off.) 

Cas. Vat vas der matter, mine friend? 

Hor. (gets up after falling). I'm done up! 



10 A Vagabond Couple 

Cas. Wait till I go in there. 

HoR. {stopping him). Stop! There is a whole crowd 
of men in there. They will kill vou. 

Cas. Is dot so? Wait till I come out. [EXIT, l. 
{Same noise as before. Horatio watches anxiously. Casper 
reappears at l. door, hat and coat off, sleeves rolled up, arms 
folded) I vas der bar keep. Come you in, und have a 
drink. {They both go off l. door as the curtain descends.) 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



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SHAUN AROON 

An Irish Drama in three acts, by CHARLES TOWNSEND 

PRICE, 25 CENTS 

A brilliant Irish drama with a powerful plot and striking situations, full of bright 
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tional features, this play will command and hold the interest of spectators from first to 
last. It has met with pronounced favor on the road, under its author's management. 
Can be played in any hall. 

CAST OF CHARACTERS 
Shaun Aroon, ... .A roving fellow, with a light purse and a lighter heart. 
Lord Fermoy (disguised as "Bad Andy "), ... A good-hearted landlord. 

Fergus Riordan, . Fermoy's rascally agent. 

Dan O'Gradv, .......•••A sturdy old farmer. 

Old Hennings, ...........A money-lender. 

Nipper, ...........•••A detective. 

Patrick, ......••.A servant. 

Mrs. O'Grady, Dan's wife. 

Molly, His daughter. 

Maggie, A maid-servant. 

Time, The present. Scene, Lord Fermoy's Estate. Time of Playing, 2% hours. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS 

Act I. — Parlor in the " King's Arms " hotel. The old farmer and the scheming 
agent. The plot. Shaun and " Bad Andy." Fergus is surprised. " Lave me choke 
him a bit ! " Shaun's suspicions. Molly and Maggie. A bit of blarney. Molly makes 
a discovery. Fergus surprised again. "Are you hurl ? " Fergus makes a proposal. 
The answer. " I've a mind to strike you ! " Shaun on hand. His answer. 

Act II. — Sitting-room at O'Grady 's. A lapse of six months. Mother and daughter. 
Molly's reason. Dan's sorrow. " God bless you, my colleen ! " The alarm. Fergus 
learns a secret. The money-lender. Fergus' threat. Shaun and Maggie. A rumpus. 
Molly decides. Shaun's advice. The arrest. " Stand back, or I'll brain ye! " Tableau. 

Act III. — At Fermoy castle. A lapse of two hours. Pat in clover. Maggie 
seeks information. A muscular maiden. Hennings gets mad. Bad Andy learns 
something. The attempted whipping. "Dance, or I'll cut ye into fiddle strings!" 
The letter. The arrest of Shaun and Bad Andy. Tom's promise. The examination 
Hennings gets even. "Who are you?" "Fermoy of Fermoy Castlel" Fergu, 
weakens. The confession. Sh^tun's invitation. Happy ending. 

JOHN BRAG 

A Farce !n Four Acts, by GORDON V. MAY 

Price, 25 Cents 



Eight male, five female characters. A farce in which all the characters have an 
opportunity of distinguishing themselves. The play abounds in ludicrous situations, 
and is certain to be a success. The scenes between the lawyer and doctor are sure t» 
bring dow-v the house every time. Time of playing, two hours nnd a half. 

Act I. — Library in Brag's home. The trouble begins. 

Act II. — Same as Act I. The trouble continues. 

Act III. — Garden in front of Brag's home. More trouble. 

Act IV. — Same as Acts I and II. The trouble ends. 

Six months between Acts I and II. An evening between Acts II and III. Acts 
III and IV occur the same day. 

k9 " Copies •willbt mailed, postpaid, to any address, on reuipt 0/ th* frUt., 





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RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2honrs 6 3 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO, 4 Acts; 2}^ hours . .. 5 8 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 214 hours. 9 3 




DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y, 




